Welcome to my deepest desires

Okay, first of all, let me explain what this page basically means. I have a huge problem, and I know I do, basically like drinking and all. But honestly, I just want to rant my head out. If you want to ask more questions or whatever, just tell me you find this page, and that basically tells me at least you're fine with what I'm going to say. Basically I have a problem with drinking, and I mean, yeah, I know my friends have told me that so many times because I either fall over and injure myself or vomit till I cry. I mean, like, sure, but I want a stress reliever, and having to cosplay and drink is basically both. I used to love cosplaying as maids because it's mostly covered up and nothing is really shown, but I see myself going towards bunny suits and more exposed cosplays, you can say. I mean, like, I enjoy the attention, but, like, those types of people are like, "I'll fucking pin you, and I'll make sure you will be fucked against your will." etc., etc. I mean, like, I'm fine if I know you, and I'm actually okay with it, but, like, if you're a random man in the streets or whatever and the first message you send is that I'm blocking your fuckhead. I mean, I understand; like, as a girl there aren't many men to meet online, so I would expect weird people from time to time. I don't know if men have the same problem with women, but whatever. I'm not interested in dealing with your disrespectful behavior. And yeah, I've been trying to go to therapy ever since my, well, ex-best friend, whom I was very, very close with, jumped off a bridge. Which caused me to blame someone else, and yeah, all hell broke loose, and another time, someone asked for my pics, and I gave them to them just to realize they were jerking off to them!! I mean, like, what the fuck? You said it's going to be used for good things, not for you. I have a hard time trusting people, and once I do, I just get all lustful and sexual with them. I just somehow enjoy the feeling as I'm actually doing "things" with them. It's weird, like I know I shouldn't, but just imagining it gets me high. I mean, like, I stopped therapy because it's useless, and I wouldn't get depressed anyways. I would either drink till I can't remember or rather have another session by myself to relieve some stress and all, and like, I know people know what I meant in this sentence. I always limit myself to 4 times a week. I know it's just bad, but it's my business, and I know whoever is reading this does more. I mean like I been very sexual with, like, a few people and still am. Learning more things about what I actually like, like BDSM and like being a free use whore. I mean, like, yeah, I want to have a little respect for myself, but at this point I feel low and would rather become a doll for a perfect man to use. And most of it happened after, like, I broke up, which I'm just confused about, like, I had a normal breakup, like, nothing major, no big tears or whatever, and now, like, I see very few people who are very, very close to me as, like, my actual boyfriend or someone I wish I could see in front of me when they finally ask, "Will you marry me?" I'm getting fucking delulu here, uh. Yeah, but this is affecting me like a lot. Like treating them as if they were actually my boyfriend hurts so much, like I expect them to always respond and shit, and I keep overthinking, like, are they lying to me? Are you hiding another relationship? Like, what business do I even have? It's not my relationship or business either; like, why am I doing this? At this point of my life I don't really care anymore. I either become a free-use whore to a future man I would find and love or actually end it all somehow, but I don't really want to do that. I don't really have an option, do I now? I mean, very, very few know the meaning of 12 patterns, but I just wish I could make everyone understand what I'm thinking when I'm talking to them. All 12 patterns circle me and just fuck me over and over; it's hurting my head..

My mental state is pretty much fine... I basically had the largest stress and just basically got hospitalized. I wish that I could live a stress-free life, but whatever. It is what it is. And I'm now quite scared of how I will be in the future. If I can't handle myself now, God knows what will happen. As long as I'm not dead, I'll just basically figure it out. I can still handle myself when I have knives on my table, but as I'm writing this, I'm not allowed to be stressed anymore because I will be rushed back basically. I took an early discharge against the doctor's will, but it's whatever; like, it's my life. I know you're trying to help, but I want to be home.

Honestly, there are 2 men that I really would love to fuck till I die, honestly. They brought me so much freedom, and each time I do it, it just reminds me of them. Like every night, I'm cuddling with my shark, just imagining them. But honestly, this has broken me in pieces. I basically think I should give up chasing them and move on. Chasing them only brought me stress and tanked my mental state, but I still love to talk with them, but getting into a relationship is just out the door now. I probably still would have them as my "boyfriends," but I think I would rather be tied and fucked by both rather than getting into another relationship because I can't find another man that brings me sexual freedom like them. Brings my levels up each night, and each time I do it, it will probably be soon that I will lose my v card as soon as I visit them, honestly. But I don't care; I just love them so much. Better than any boyfriends I would get in my life. They fulfill all my desires and fantasies, and I feel completely satisfied and fulfilled in their presence. The thought of being tied and fucked by both of them excites me beyond measure, and I can't imagine ever wanting anything else. They bring out a side of me that I never knew existed.